I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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