I think I won the penis lottery.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
