When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
