dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
