Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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