yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
