1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
