I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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