i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
