i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
