I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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