i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
