Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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