dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
