I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
