Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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