We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
