We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
