I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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