hotel room ftw
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
