Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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