The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
