11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
