I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
