Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
