my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Pooping to opera.
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