those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
