Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
