Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
