Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
