you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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