Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Girls should come with a carfax report
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
