Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The adults are the big ones right?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
