she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
