Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
