proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he puts the penis in happiness.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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