sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
