The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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