I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
