I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
