I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
