Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
