just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
