My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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