im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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