atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
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