I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
