yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
