Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
