have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
