I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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